Every Relationship Is Win-Win or Lose-Lose.

Welcome to my newsletter! I'm Dave Anderson, an ex-Amazon Tech Director and GM. I write this newsletter I've called Scarlet Ink, which is a weekly newsletter on tech industry careers and tactical leadership advice.

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Everyone knows about witty comebacks. This is a society meme that's repeated across TV shows, movies, and playgrounds the world over.

In this meme, someone's ego is bruised by an insult. Rather than lose to the bad person, the victim uses their intelligence to strike back at the aggressor, turning this hurtful situation into a victory.

In movies, the hero will use this social weapon to demonstrate their superiority over the villain. The bystanders in the film (and us movie patrons) recognize these words as correct, honorable, and justified. This contrasts with the aggressive and shameful actions of the antagonist, who started it.

And on the playground, the same rules apply. If someone is insulted, they can take it like a loser, or they can strike back, like a winner.

Except if we care about human relationships, this meme doesn't work.

The entire point of the witty comeback is that you're trying to create more social or emotional damage than the antagonist. It's the verbal equivalent of a fistfight, where you try to punch harder than they punched you. Hopefully you hit them hard enough that they're not willing to strike back.

If you have a relationship with someone, you hopefully don't intend to punch them. You shouldn't want a battle with a co-worker, or your manager, your kids, or your spouse. Getting into a physical or emotional fistfight is a horrible idea. It's a way to damage or end a relationship, not improve one.

What we intend vs. what we do.

Hopefully you want to have strong relationships with people.

Reality is not like a movie script. When we end up in an escalating disagreement with someone, they're frequently our co-workers, our bosses, our neighbors, our kids, or our spouses.

Our relationship battles are certainly not like the movies. They're not between good and evil.

Instead, both parties are almost certainly wrong in some way. People are exhausted or stressed. There are unintended insults, fear of the future, bruised egos, and careless words dropped when they shouldn't have been.

I'd like to believe that we all intend to have good relationships with these people. It's our reactions that betray us.

But when we feel hurt or attacked, what is our natural reaction? To react in kind. We lash out, because our monkey brain tells us that this is a reasonable and fair reaction.

Reacting.

Susan was a bar raiser at Amazon. The recruiting group reached out to her to ask if she could help with the security team's hiring event next month. Susan rolled her eyes. The security team had been a pain in her side all week, asking her to repeatedly test new scenarios before launching. It was possible she'd miss her launch due to that team. She replied to the recruiting team, telling them she as too busy with her security reviews to help with that event. That'd teach them a lesson.

Leana's manager asked her to please start sending a daily update on everything she did for the China launch project, as he was worried they might miss their date. Leana was annoyed. Her manager was micromanaging, and it drove her crazy. She wrote out a long update message, writing down things like "Updated 3 rows in the task list spreadsheet - 5 minutes" , "Asked the QA team for the 6th time for updates - 5 minutes", and "Wrote a status update for the China project - 15 minutes." That'd show her manager how he was wasting her time.

John was frustrated. His wife Sally had yet again dumped food scraps into the sink last night instead of into the compost bin. Fruit flies were flying around the sink. It drove him crazy. He wasn't going to clean up anymore. He made his morning coffee, and just dumped the coffee grounds into a pile on top of the mess. That would teach her a lesson. He'd see how she liked it.

What's common about these types of situations?

Someone is frustrated. They've been emotionally impacted. Either directly, or through a situation they find themselves in. They lash out at someone they feel is responsible for this emotional situation.

Did lashing out help anything? Well, it depends on what your goals are.